The Vampire Diaries - Series Premiere

Written September 10th, 2009

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As much as I complain about people not reading the original source material, there’s no way in hell I’m touching this. To ensure I didn’t miss the Supernatural season premiere, I tuned into the channel early. And this crap, as the commercials promised, was, well, crap. So very, very bad. However, if you like watching shows without a drop of originality and enjoy viewing the same things you’ve already seen hundreds of times but, this time, done especially horribly, than this show is for you!

We start off with the patented voice over, and like most voice overs, it gives away too much too soon and immediately makes you bored and annoyed. Once it ends, we see fog! And a happy couple! There’s no chance in hell they’re going to be attacked!

Once they’re finally dead, we cut to yet another cheap plot device. Aw. The poor girl is sad and Oh So Different. No one Understands. She is Alone. Please proceed to the gagging on the spork. After a family kitchen scene that is no different from any other, and a car scene that is, again, redundant, we cut to the high school. Yes, the entire cast is beautiful and looks much too old. Realism? New approaches? Not with this show! Well, it is about vampires. How much can you expect?

Blondes are stupid! The hallways are oddly quiet! And God forbid a bell rings to break up the hour of chatting! Then, our personality deficient heroine who everyone loves sees Him. “UR HAWT ILY.” Yeah, that’s basically it in a nutshell. For the remaining fifty minutes of the hour.

A teacher is ridiculously mean because teachers are Evil. The star crossed lovers stare intensely at each other, and gleeful text messages are sent. Oh dear lord, is it over yet?

The graveyard. A perfect place to move on with your life as you write weird stuff in a journal. You can’t help loving how freaked out she gets over a crow cawing. That never happens in a graveyard! Or anywhere else for that matter. Crows just don’t caw. And the smoke- sorry, fog. So sudden! In the middle of a sunny day! Yes, girl, run away for no reason whatsoever! I’m scared of bad special effects too, but normally I just close my eyes.

And here we hit what may be the most obvious display of bad continuity in 2009. It’s almost as if a strobe light is playing over the two with the way the lighting alternates. Aw, they’re so awkward and cute. I hate them. Can’t wait for the wedding! But alas, blood! And being a vampire it only took him five minutes to notice the decently strong amount flowing from her leg! Yet… she supposedly smells especially potent to him.

…Whatever you say, show.

Blah, blah, blah, more stuff, it’s really not over yet? I can’t remember what goes here, exactly.

I think this is where we are brought to a party. Teenage angst, nameless characters complaining, ect. Again we are reminded that the BFF is psychic. That certainly helps with awful foreshadowing, considering they’ve done nothing short of hit us over the head with a flaming sledgehammer about it. I think the lovers talk about something. Get deep. That’s what the stereotype requires - they must discuss how different they are, while at the same time how they are not. They understand each other! But the vampire boy has some secrets. Special girl tells him her life story while he broods darkly. Someone is attacked, and in the midst of her dying, a football player notices Stephan leaving. Okay. So, he broods some more, now at home, and is given no chance to wonder what is happening before his Ebil Brother shows up. Brood brood brood, anger explosion, pointless dialogue so the audience doesn’t have to worry about thinking.

And then, I think, they go to the hospital. The episode ends with the attacked girl whispering ‘vampire’. Wow! We heard that at the beginning of the show, too! I’ll definitely be back next week!

If I ever considered reading the books, any chance of that was dumped in gasoline and ignited with a blow torch. This show surpasses even the awfulness that was Twilight. It’s probably not fair to judge the books from the show, considering again how bad Twilight was compared to the book, but there’s absolutely no way I can read spend any more time with these people. I’ll gladly stick with True Blood, thanks. You know. The show that is actually good? Yeah. I was both disgusted and highly amused when the credits started rolling, but then Supernatural came on and all was well. (No review. Loved it.) Don’t watch The Vampire Diaries if you value you sanity, dignity, and intelligence, of which they steal away, destroy, and insult.